The people that happen to read this are probably wondering why such a long silence. I could say it is because my extremely busy schedule, or I was fasting from the internet or some other lame excuse, but ask my mom, she can tell you none of that is true. I have been thinking about why I haven't written. The best answer I have is that I am lazy.
I am lazy for a lot of different reasons. A few weeks ago I started to get burnt out on so much. I was trying so hard to live "right". To read my Bible, to study, to get my homework done. It was good for a while, but like anything else I have ever attempted on my own, it lost its flame. Once that flame was gone I had nothing to lean back on. I had not been seeking help from God. I wanted to do it on my own. So I stopped reading, stopped writing, stopped what I had been doing. I had nothing to write because I was not studying, but also because I was living a life of sin and not a life dependent on God. I understood I had nothing on my own to give.
I am spiritually lazy. I work hard for a short amount of time, but forget to rely on God. Maybe one of these days I will truly realize I need to give ALL of my life to God.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Mountains
This weekend I was at a field training exercise(FTX) for ROTC. It was basically two days of playing Army in the woods. Not too bad. At the end of the second day we had a small ruck march to our buses. It was about two miles, with about 40-50 pounds of gear in our packs. Still not too bad. On this two mile jaunt I had time to think. I thought about the food I would eat when I got home, the hot shower and warm bed waiting for me, but most importantly about mountains.
I have always loved mountains. My family has spent many vacations in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. But there is one vacation and one mountain in particular that peaked (get it?) my interest on my walk. It was a few years back, we were in Buena Vista, Colorado for vacation with my dad's family. One of the main goals of the trip was to hike Mt. Elbert, the highest mountain in Colorado. So we did.
Here is the problem. There is very little I remember about the hike other than getting to the top. I remember that the view was absolutely breathtaking at the peak and I was very proud of accomplishing such a task, but that is it. I have little to no memory of the scenery along the trail, of the great conversations that surely happened, of any interesting people we met. Nothing.
Last night as I thought about this I became sad about the experience. I had gained what everyone that attempts to climb a mountain wants. I made it to the peak, but I had not great story to go with it. The reason this thought bothered me so much is I realized how much this can become the Christian life. Always looking at getting to the peak of Christianity. Reading the Word more, doing more missions, loving more people. These are all great things, but so often I get caught up in the act and the goal they accomplish I forget that God gave us these things to enjoy.
I so often live the Christian life as just one mountain to climb after another. That is so far from what it truly is. Staying true to the analogy the Christian life would be one mountain. Eternity with God as the peak. It is not about reaching peak after peak. It is about walking the path, enjoying and rejoicing in God for the gifts and life he has given us.
I have always loved mountains. My family has spent many vacations in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. But there is one vacation and one mountain in particular that peaked (get it?) my interest on my walk. It was a few years back, we were in Buena Vista, Colorado for vacation with my dad's family. One of the main goals of the trip was to hike Mt. Elbert, the highest mountain in Colorado. So we did.
Here is the problem. There is very little I remember about the hike other than getting to the top. I remember that the view was absolutely breathtaking at the peak and I was very proud of accomplishing such a task, but that is it. I have little to no memory of the scenery along the trail, of the great conversations that surely happened, of any interesting people we met. Nothing.
Last night as I thought about this I became sad about the experience. I had gained what everyone that attempts to climb a mountain wants. I made it to the peak, but I had not great story to go with it. The reason this thought bothered me so much is I realized how much this can become the Christian life. Always looking at getting to the peak of Christianity. Reading the Word more, doing more missions, loving more people. These are all great things, but so often I get caught up in the act and the goal they accomplish I forget that God gave us these things to enjoy.
I so often live the Christian life as just one mountain to climb after another. That is so far from what it truly is. Staying true to the analogy the Christian life would be one mountain. Eternity with God as the peak. It is not about reaching peak after peak. It is about walking the path, enjoying and rejoicing in God for the gifts and life he has given us.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Sleep
Last night I had trouble falling asleep. This is not out of the norm as of late. During the day I can lay down on the couch or sit in a chair and fall asleep within minutes. But wait till 10:30 or so, when I should be going to sleep, and I just lay there for hours. During this time last night I started thinking about what I was doing. It went something like this...
Pull the covers up, and now I am too hot.
Take off one cover, still a little warm.
Stick one leg out of the sheet. Much better.
But now I don't know what to do with my arm. Do I put it over my eyes, let is lay limp at the side, cross it over my chest?
And now my neck hurts. So I roll onto my side, then that gets uncomfortable, so I switch to my stomach. Only when I do that my arm goes under my head, so it goes to sleep.
There is just no comfortable way to go about falling asleep.
All of this to say, I feel like this right now in my Christian walk. I think I am doing all the right things. I am trying to be in God's word, love people, share the Gospel and my life with others. I just feel uncomfortable right now. Part of it is what I have mentioned several times before; I am still focused on what I can do. It has nothing to do with my abilities. What a foreign idea, especially in our culture. I am also searching and longing to find that place where the gifts God has given me can best be put to use. So right now, I am praying for comfort and peace. I am tired of fidgeting back and forth.
Pull the covers up, and now I am too hot.
Take off one cover, still a little warm.
Stick one leg out of the sheet. Much better.
But now I don't know what to do with my arm. Do I put it over my eyes, let is lay limp at the side, cross it over my chest?
And now my neck hurts. So I roll onto my side, then that gets uncomfortable, so I switch to my stomach. Only when I do that my arm goes under my head, so it goes to sleep.
There is just no comfortable way to go about falling asleep.
All of this to say, I feel like this right now in my Christian walk. I think I am doing all the right things. I am trying to be in God's word, love people, share the Gospel and my life with others. I just feel uncomfortable right now. Part of it is what I have mentioned several times before; I am still focused on what I can do. It has nothing to do with my abilities. What a foreign idea, especially in our culture. I am also searching and longing to find that place where the gifts God has given me can best be put to use. So right now, I am praying for comfort and peace. I am tired of fidgeting back and forth.
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